Part 1: I'm not nice
And why you shouldn't be either
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I have a confession. I’m not a nice person*.
This will not surprise those of you who have spent any amount of time with me. It’s not what I’m known for and for a good reason.
Being nice is about making other people happy. Nice is comfortable. Nice is how you show up in the world when you don’t want to rock the boat. Nice is about owning other people’s feelings and actions. Nice is how women are supposed to be.
Nice is so easy, until you think about all the repercussions of it being one of the strongest forms of cultural capital. Niceness maintains social structures. It helps keep things clean, orderly, and controlled.
We’ve been lured into niceness.
We’ve been told that’s how we get what we want. Because if you’re not nice, you won’t get that raise. Our that date. Or those Insta likes. Or that validation you so desperately want. You won’t get all the things that society has promised you, all those things that lead to "happiness."*
But who benefits from you being nice?
We want “nice neighbors,” so we build walls. And I don’t just mean walls on the border; I mean walls around our neighborhoods designed to keep nice people in and naughty people out.
We want to have “nice conversations” so we let casual—or perhaps overt—racist or sexist or homophobic or you-name-it remarks go unchecked. Because if you knew her, you’d know how nice she was.*
It’s certainly not nice to hold men accountable for their shit—sexual harassment, abuse, rape, misogyny. Because his reputation. You mustn’t mess with a man’s reputation. All nice girls know that.
Niceness is limiting.
Niceness is oppressive. Niceness restricts our agency. Niceness is a tool of the patriarchy and white supremacy.
What’s the solution to niceness? Kindness. And it’s messy. It will reward you with your dearest friends and your most ardent adversaries. And it’s what I’ll write about in Part 2.
* I hear you laughing. You know who you are.
* It’s also how you’re not going to get that orgasm.
* Other excuses white women have said to my face to let other white women off the hook:
She isn’t exposed to those kinds of things: In 2023, it’s a choice not to know what’s happening in the world around you.
She just had a baby: I missed the memo where having a baby means that you live under a rock. Also unless you’ve been having babies for decades straight, I’m confused about how this limits your ability to know things (see my point above and below).
She doesn’t know as much as you do: We all have the same 24 hours in a day. Read a book, listen to a podcast, scroll through IG, subscribe to a newsletter, scan the headlines, make some friends who aren’t white, cis, and straight.
She’s from a different generation: She certainly didn’t have a problem publicly advocating for (white/cis/straight — pick one or a combo of the three) women’s rights, so explain the difference to me now?