Hesitating to hit send

Resisting what it means to make everything "productive"

Hello friends,

Oh, how I have missed you. It’s been a minute since I’ve written, and my heart has been heavy, wading through the familiar feelings that accompany pushing the hard things to the bottom of a list that lacks the proper amount of lines through text to make one feel productive.

Oh, the good ol’ days. The first time I hit send in July 2023 during a mini-holiday on the island of Lamu, a mind free of all the to-do’s that weigh us down.

I write out my to-do lists every Sunday on pieces of scratch paper folded in half—the packing lists that accompany shipments, the mistakes I didn’t catch before I clicked print. The most important tasks and the ones that I am losing sleep over (they aren’t necessarily the same ones) are at the top, a small dash next to each one to keep the lists neat and organized. Every day I stare at the letters RR on my “personal” list (I have three—one for Coalition, another for Zawadisha, and then one for everything else that isn’t neatly aligned with one of the businesses I’ve started) and tell myself that today will be the day I write. And then I don’t.

But it’s not for lack of trying. The number of notes on my phone of half-fleshed-out ideas is obnoxious. Every ah-ha is recorded, sometimes with a title, sometimes with full sentences, sometimes with only a few words. And they are there, vying for my attention, competing with everything else that must get done, reminding me I don’t have the energy or insight to turn them into something of interest.

“Burnout is one of the body’s final defenses against unrelenting, unsustainable demand, and it is only by reevaluating those demands and abandoning a huge number of them that we can actually begin to heal — and heal as the people we are, not the hyper-reliable workhorses we long to be.” ~ Devon Price

I’m pretty sure what I’m experiencing they call burnout, but since it feels like the only way to extricate myself from the hampster wheel I’ve created is to jump ship and burn it all down, I suppose I’ll keep at it until I win the lottery or marry for money. Both are equally unlikely with a one in 292.2 million chance to claim the jackpot in a Powerball and one in never for marriage because that is scarier than getting struck by lightning, which in case you were wondering, we have a one in 186,978 chance of death or injury in a given year.

Simply stated: This newsletter cannot be work. It cannot be something that must get done for the sake of getting done, a task that is only validated by being crossed off rather than an act of joy and an act of service.

So friends, thank you for your patience with me as I navigate writing outside of the constraints of productivity. What this means is I will land in your inbox less often, with the goal of more depth and less breadth.

With that said, I want to honor the paid subscribers who support my work here, which is why I’m carving out more time for us to connect outside of this newsletter and the Substack app. It’s called Ask Me Anything where paid subscribers can join a monthly Zoom call plus I will open up three 30-minute 1:1 spots on a first-come, first-serve basis. I imagine this being a resource for freelancers, creatives, business owners, aspiring founders, humans with newsletters, and/or anyone who is deeply questioning the world around us. I will send out the details to paid subscribers shortly.

Going paid isn’t for everyone and I completely understand that. That’s why you’ll still receive a vibrant (?) stream of consciousness as a free subscriber, as well as my deep appreciation. If you have an idea for a perk for paid subscribers or ideas of things you’d like to read, please DM me or drop a note in the comments.

As always, thank you for being here. Your likes, comments, replies, and restacks really do mean the world to me. They are small, yet not insignificant. They are the boost I need to remind me that what I am doing here is more than producing a newsletter—it’s about connecting, dreaming, and finding our way.

xxoo,

Jen

PS: One thing I do that is actual work but doesn’t necessarily feel like it is guiding cycling and skiing trips. We still have space for our January/February 2025 trip to Japan and July 2025 trips to Kenya. This Wednesday, I’m hosting Q&A sessions for both, so if you’d like to learn more, you can register for the Kenya Q&A here and the Japan Q&A trip here.