We blame ourselves

Is it that we're afraid or they convinced us it's not them

Hello friends,

This past weekend I put on a cute outfit and a smile and pretended like I enjoy being in a crowd of strangers, peppered with a handful of people I haven’t seen since the pandemic. I probably didn’t fool anyone. At events like this, I’m either standing by myself or searching for comfort in the security blanket of a handful of close friends. If I don’t appear awkward, I certainly feel that way.

I’ve learned how to “turn it on” when I need to, stepping into an extroverted, dynamic version of myself that is still authentically me, but incredibly exhausting and oftentimes anxiety inducing. I would be quite happy if I could earn a living as a writer, surrounded by stillness and silence. Perhaps in a future life, but for now I still run a few small businesses that require me to put myself out there, which is something we all do when we don’t have big marketing budgets and teams to do our dirty work.

Yes, matching outfits are a thing. I don’t think we took any photos from this year’s event, but here’s me and Slu at No Man’s Land in 2023.

So when I hear women speak to their feelings of inadequacy, the nagging second-guessing, I get it. It’s real, and we all experience it. Some of us—whether it’s more years on this planet or strong support systems or deep self-worth—have learned how to manage it, to push through the discomfort. While I know a good therapist could help me tremendously, I also acknowledge that to some extent, we’re set up to feel this way. In a society that values masculinity, whiteness, productivity, straightness, conquering—essentially a settler colonial mentality—we’re either trying to fit in or we’re actively resisting. Neither feels good when you don’t get to tick the boxes of straight, white, male. I wish that was something we’d speak more truth to.

An unpopular opinion that may not go over well

As I watched film after film at the No Man’s Land Film Festival—a decade’s old festival that celebrates women and gender non-conforming folks in the outdoor and adventure spaces—I was struck by the similarity of their storylines: I’m not good enough, I don’t know if I can do this, I don’t know if I belong here. (I want to thank my dear friend Andrea Slusarski for pointing this out, which led to long, late night chats that left me wanting more.) Perhaps the omission of the structural and systemic reasons why these communities feel like they don’t belong and they can’t succeed is because they are short films designed to entertain and uplift. Perhaps it’s because of the sponsors who fund the films and don’t want to anger their predominantly heterosexual white male base. Or it might be because of fear of retribution or the struggle to separate oneself from toxic niceness or the desire to fit in with the bros.

Regardless of the reason, it felt like many films leaned in harder to “I’m the problem I need to overcome” rather than the very real racism, sexism, ableism, and more that women, communities of color, LGBTQIA+ folks, and people with disabilities encounter in everything they do, particularly in the male-dominated outdoor industry. It was like if you knew, you knew—if you identified similarly as the individuals in the film or filmmakers, you understood that it’s not because we have low self-esteem or lack the skills to show up as equals or as peers in this space. We know it’s because we have to fight tooth and nail to be here.

There’s so much value in these films—in being honest and vulnerable in a way that invites others to share their stories because they know they aren’t alone. I’m not advocating that we fall in line with traditional filmmaking. My question is, what will it take to realize and vocalize we’re not the problem?

I loved the films featured at No Man’s Land Film Festival. I wept, I learned, I saw myself. I will continue to support this festival, the filmmakers, and the people who are featured in the films. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t want us to speak truth to our realities more. In a time where facts don’t matter and our existence is literally being scrubbed from everything from streets to websites to history books, it is up to us to tell the real story.

xxoo,

Jen

ICYM the authoritarian takeover of the US government:

• If you took your husband’s last name, you’re one of 69 million American women who do not have a birth certificate that matches your current legal name. And that means you may not be able to vote. And you thought they wouldn’t come for you. Learn more about the SAVE Act here and take action here.

• A legal resident who is married to a US Citizen was detained by ICE and may be deported because he exercised his First Amendment Rights as a nonviolent pro-Palestinian activist. The administration said he’s the first of many—they are currently scrubbing social media to see who else falls under their “pro-terrorist” and “anti-Semitic” definition. Get the details on Mahmoud Khalil’s evolving story here and here.

• In case you thought you’d start protesting at Tesla dealerships, think again. Trump says violence against Tesla is domestic terrorism and perpetrators will “go through hell.” Cool. Can’t wait to see their definition of “violence.”

• On Tuesday, House Republicans decided to be extra naughty as they quietly ceded power: They declared the rest of the year one long day, nullifying a law that allows the House and Senate to jointly put an end to a disaster declared by the president through a vote. Now they don’t have to go on the record with a wildly unpopular decision by the king.

My upcoming offerings to connect outside of this newsletter:

🎿 April 11th, Demos at Boot Tan Fest: I’ll be getting naked, turning screws, and having the time of my life, not necessarily in that order. RSVP for demos here. And keep your fingers crossed that we organize some demos in SLC on the way to/from.
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⛷️ 🏂April 23-27th, Bachelorette: Because skiing at Mt. Bachelor in the spring is glorious and so is the company. There's still room, but not a whole lot so get your buns in gear if you want to join.

💌 May, Full Send: Join me in this collaborative workspace to grow and nurture your emails, newsletters, and creative writing because the algorithm isn’t there for you to succeed. Wait list coming soon!
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🚲 July, Cycling Safari in Kenya with Zawadisha: Please tell us what is more fun in summer than cycling next to giraffes and elephants. This is THE trip to save for. ⁠

Thanks for reading! All typos are intentional to make sure you’re paying attention.