The mens found us

Dispatches from Japan, Part 2

Imagine our surprise, after spending the day skiing beautiful powder-filled tree lines in a small mountain town in the Japanese Alps, to find ourselves in the company of older, white American men. 

“You all here for a yoga retreat?” one of the mens said to me in the lobby of our ryokan as they were checking in. I let that not-to-subtle sexism slide and responded that we were here to shred the shit of pow, obvs. 

Later that evening, they returned from dinner and were upset with the service. There was too much “miscommunication,” they said. Perhaps that’s because they weren’t fluent in Japanese. 

Our groups would cross in the hallway as we made our way to the onsen. We were dressed in yukatas, which are Japanese-style robes meant specifically for bathing and lounging, that were neatly placed in our rooms. They entered the onsen in their ski gear. 

One afternoon in the laundry area of the basement, they asked one of us if we worked there.

Nothing they did or said was overly egregious. It was as if they had never seen a group of women on a ski holiday or used this thing called Google. We all make mistakes when traveling to new places; we all make mistakes in our own countries. With the unfamiliar, you don’t know until you know. This learning happens by watching other people, researching in advance, approaching each day with a curious mindset, and asking questions. It can be intimidating, humbling, and sometimes embarrassing, but it’s an opportunity for growth. 

It’s not that the mens are incapable of this; it’s that they have spent their entire lives in a system where everything has been designed by them, for them. Most things make sense, work for them, and revolve around them. There is no reason to ask a question when you already have the answer. No reason to carry yourself differently when how you show up is constantly validated.

We all know a few mens who are quite good at decentering themselves and navigating the unknown, who add richness to an experience rather than comprising yours. Things are slowly changing, and the charge is being led by people who frequently feel like outsiders looking in.

The most exciting part of this process is building something different. I’m not banging down the mens’ doors, demolishing their walls, attempting to fit into their mold. I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want their power or their position in this world. 

Perhaps that’s why they’re so confused. 

I have a man (read: not a mens) in my life who has asked me what I—what women—would do if we theoretically won the feminist fight. I would like to believe that we would not wield power in the same way that men do, that our way of being would look like “power to” and “"power with” rather than “power over.” I would hope that “winning” would mean that we have demolished all systems of oppression, rather than white, cis, straight women continuing with the same same (which is an absolutely legitimate concern and requires us to be very clear about who is included and excluded when we use the simple term “women”).

How do we do it differently than the mens? We must reconceptualize success, ownership, growth, progress, relationships, and community. It’s going to take time because we must be so careful and thoughtful. It’s so complex that I do not know I will never see it in my lifetime. While I certainly wish that our version of progress would be a bit quicker, I recognize that haste is also a part of the patriarchy.

I thought that it would be helpful to share some of the resources I turn to as I consider not only how to think about these issues, but also how to take action. This list is available to paid subscribers. Thank you for being here and supporting my work :)