Revealed: Secrets about older women
Birthday weekend reflections
Hey, it’s my birthday! You can be a part of celebrating me by forwarding this email to a friend, becoming a paid subscriber, or purchasing an I Like Older Women Tee. Thank you for all of the birthday love!
Me and my birthday suit ;)
I now officially can say that I’m almost 50. When I uttered those words out loud for the first time last week, I was surprised at how it felt to hear them.
I felt like a fraud.
There is nothing old about me.
Well… except for that time I was a card carrying Blockbuster member. I dropped out of a freshman philosophy class because we received assignments through a thing called e-mail (excuse me, rude, write it on the green chalkboard like every other professor)*. There’s also that cougar thing, although the question remains: Are you a cougar if they chase you? And fine, I suppose grey pubic hair, but who’s counting, I’m not, there’s too many.*
I digress. Back to my original point.
I refuse to accept the antiquated narrative of old because it’s meant to make us feel small at a time when we feel so big.
The old they’ve sold us is one where we’re meant to age gracefully instead of boldly. We’re a tongue twister’s worst nightmare: Fresh out of fucks and no longer fruitful farmland for fornication or fetuses, we serve no function. Good luck saying that six times fast.
I get it. Older women are scary. With the kids out of the house and the baby making machine on the fritz, we have heaps more spare time. Decades of experience running households and businesses means we might have a few good ideas and (gasp!) know how to execute on them. We trust ourselves, know how to care for ourselves, and most importantly, we like ourselves.
If we’re not reigned in we might just do something like start a feminist newsletter or pose nude for a centerfold-inspired product launch…
But society is changing. We’re entering an #OlderWomanEra that is more like the current Sex in the City than the Golden Girls. And I spent my birthday naked at the hot springs making lawyer money with our OnlyFans, proving that we are still consumable, and perhaps even more delicious, after the expiration date.
* Who knew that was going to stick around? I bet you all wish you joined me in the boycott so the rest of your life wouldn’t include inbox hell.
* OK for real I need to know if you think that’s funny. I’m testing the pubic hair line to see if I want to use it in my I Like Older Women stand-up comedy tour. Comment below. Please and thank you.