Not loving or living the right way
A week that forces us to take stock
Do you think you’ll live your life alone because of the life choices you’re making?
Christine Reid, a long-distance backpacker, author, and publisher, laughed uncomfortably before she answered my question. Her answer didn’t surprise me. I already knew her answer.
I met Christine in September at Swell, an event for women who love the outdoors, and we immediately connected. After reading her first book, Alone in Wonderland, I realized that when I was her age (I’m 13 years older), I saw and experienced the world in very similar ways.
Reflection is a privilege. It means we’ve been afforded another day on this earth. If someone had asked me a similar question when I was beginning my trajectory of a life not often lived by women, I might have experienced less frustration, and I would like to think that I would have made better decisions.
My reluctance to marry and have children, paired with a level of independence that presented as I NEED NOTHING FROM YOU, served up alongside two lives on two continents and just as many businesses was confounding to men. Many steered clear, knowing that I would never be able to give them what they wanted. Those who were intrigued were oftentimes disappointed when I turned out to have the same needs as the other women they dated. Strong women aren’t supposed to have the feelings or desires of mere mortals. And then, on the rare occasion, I found myself in monogamous, long-term, heterosexual, sleep in the same bed every night, split up the chores because I’m a good feminist, and spend family holidays together relationships. I tried SO HARD in my 20s and early 30s. That was the problem, though—I didn’t want that type of relationship, so I self-sabotaged.
By the time I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to be the romantic partner that society expected of me, I was in my mid-thirties, surrounded by people who had pulled it off. They were married, having children, buying homes, and adulting in a way I could never fully agree to or understand. I was a misfit then, and while I’m still radically different from most of my friends, I’m finding that more people are in alignment with my lifestyle and openly having conversations about this in a way that they never did pre-social media.
Today, as a woman of age who no longer has to scour Tumblr to find out what the queers are doing, I’m quite happy with my decision to stay the course that I knew was right for me. I only occasionally lie on my couch and stare at the ceiling, wondering what I’ve done with my life, which feels like a win. And while I still go through the annual heartbreak, I don’t feel destitute or full of despair (when Elmo asked how everyone was doing, anyone who dates knows that the answer is not well).
I think how lucky I am to know that I’m enough.
I am content—thrilled actually—that my life is not centered around one intimate relationship. I am not searching for “the one,” that person who is meant to complete me or make me happy. There are couples who feel like they are in partnership with their soul mates, and that is a beautiful thing; it’s also beautiful to experience life differently. Differently has been painted as messy and painful and unfulfilling and wasteful. But traditional relationships can be that way too. That’s why we shouldn’t fall for the trap that they are the solution to loneliness or the spare, silent moments that leave us wondering what if…
What people spend their lives looking for is connection. Those people who understand you, love you, make you feel seen, special, and important. That can and does exist outside of romantic relationships.
While I might be alone in the traditional sense—if I don’t partner up, I’ll die falling down my stairs and cats will eat my face—I’m not lonely. But I know that all I need is an Apple watch and five minutes to program in Raquel or Slu or Jillian as the person to be notified if I come to a sudden stop and I will be fine. I have the best friends a girl could ever have, and because of them, and the relationship I’ve built with myself, I do not feel alone. I have people who I get to share my life with, including me.
That’s what it’s really all about, right? Working on the relationship we have with ourselves so that even when a Hallmark Holiday makes us question our life choices (capitalism FTW), we can feel confident about what love, connection, and commitment mean to us.
There's so much I loved about Galentine’s Day and Valentine’s Day and all of the days in between. Gasp! The annoyance of enjoying a week marred in capitalism and forced love. It's everything I stand against, yet I reveled in contemplating love daily.
Please allow me to take a moment today to reflect on all of the things that made my heart pitter-patter:
Watching the new Netflix special by Jacqueline Novak, which is more a theatrical performance than a stand-up routine. I'm obsessed.
Reading this article about reimaging life with friendship at the center by Anne Helen Peterson. I love a good dose of data to validate my feelings.
Waking up to an email ON A MONDAY telling me that our Sojourner Splitboard made it in the Five Best Women's Splitboards for 2024 and then the editor asking for more of our snowboards to review.
Speaking to the IFSA Rippin' Ladies about how and why I started Coalition and what I've learned along the way. Not only did I not use one four-letter word (world record set on Feb. 13, 2024 between the hours of 5 and 6 pm PST), I said things I want to remember when I'm not feeling so good about myself (good thing they recorded it because I don't remember this morning).
Zooming with my team in Kenya.
Making more difficult decisions this week, coming to terms with what it will mean to follow through with them, and feeling confident about the whole thing.
Gushing over Char's Galentine's Day and V Day post on our IG.
Celebrating myself on Valentine's Day with yoga, $5 sushi, and a hot bath.
Shredding pow with Sarah.
A very successful Galentine’s Day celebration with my partners in crime in retail hell.
PS: Last week, I announced a special offering for paid subscribers: An hour with me sharing my best travel tips on Monday, Feb. 26th. If you haven’t RSVP’d yet, message me! You can become a paid subscriber by clicking on the button below.