I'm frustrated

And I took it out on my own face

Friends, before you start reading, I want to disclose that I believe the most important issue we should be discussing is the genocide in Gaza. Just yesterday, the UK, France, and Canada warned of sanctions against Israel, which is arguably a threat that comes far too late, from far too few countries. When I consider the gravity of what we are witnessing and what our elected officials are responsible for in choosing to fund the genocide and refuse to call it what it is, it makes everything else seem insignificant.

I’m very fortunate and very privileged to live without daily violence and to feel like my needs are met. I have enough. My problems are very much first world. I recognize that every time I sit down to write, every time I stare off into space with a million thoughts crashing into each other in my mind.

What I am attempting to do in my newsletter is tell a story of what it’s like to be a small business owner in the United States who has chosen to lead with feminist values, some of which people would call radical, at a time when documenting the truth and our lived experiences is incredibly important. I write to you with vulnerability and transparency, and I ask that when you sit down to read Redefining Radical, you do so with energetic sovereignty. What I write may be true for you, it might not be true for you. You might agree, you might disagree. It might resonate with you, it might not. But it’s my story, and I hope it helps anyone who has chosen to live life on their own terms navigate the ups and downs of our decisions that go against the grain, which includes using your personal and professional platforms to advocate for a ceasefire in Gaza, despite the very real threats posed to us by an authoritarian, fascist government.

#FreePalestine

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I cut my own bangs.

The last time I did something so ill-advised was during the COVID lockdown. At the time, it didn’t really matter because I wasn’t leaving the house, and no one could tell on Zoom just how badly I had butchered my bangs, just like they weren’t going to be able to see my gray roots. At some point, I became so tired of looking at myself in the mirror that I bought a box of hair dye and took blunt scissors to my forehead. Done and dusted.

Fast forward five years, and I’m back to my old bad habits. If I can’t get my hair cut by a professional with real scissors and real skill, then I’ll do it myself. This time, though, it’s not because we aren’t leaving our homes, it’s because I’m cutting back on unnecessary expenses. I don’t need the news to tell me we're headed toward a recession. I manufacture. I import. I run a small business. I talk to other business owners. I know too much. So yeah, I’m frustrated. And I took it out on my own face.

That bitch was talking about me.

I was on a call for business owners in the outdoor industry who are seeking community during these challenging times, to learn from one another, and to support each other. One person on the call said she unfollowed people during the pandemic because they complained too much about how difficult business was at the time. I laughed to myself thinking, that bitch is talking about me. One person’s gripe is another person’s truth, and it’s why I share what I do.

I believe—no, I know—that there are far too many of us who feel incredible shame and fear. If I can put words to those feelings we usually tuck away and only let out at 2 am in the morning, and bring us closer together through our shared experiences, then it’s worth annoying some people. None of us should feel alone or ashamed right now.

I’m not ready for it.

While I’ve taken scissors to my own bangs, what I have not yet cut is my addiction to cheese. The top shelf of my refrigerator looks like the cooler in a fancy bodega:

• Halloumi

• Cheddar

• That fancy cheddar with chives

• Cojita

• Parmesan

• Crème fraîche and sour cream (technically not cheese, but they would be offended not to be included in this list)

I told my girlfriend we must reduce our cheese consumption to only two blocks. We decided on cheddar and Parmesan, as they are the most versatile for cooking. Risotto, pasta, eggs, beans, potatoes—you name it, and either cheddar or Parmesan goes with it. I was really serious about this new two-cheese regimen, and then I lost all of my self-control when I walked into Trader Joe's. With so many choices, five-call-it-seven felt minimal compared to the damage I could have done. Perhaps if I chose to only shop at WinCo, I would have fewer choices, and therefore I’d be less tempted. This is a strategy I will consider.

Despite my insistence on this new program before I left the house, I chose to buy the food I like to cook with. I didn’t want to recession-proof my pantry, to do without some of my favorite things, all to live within my means. If I don’t buy the cheese, then I have to come to terms with what living within my means will look like in 2025, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I don’t even know what that is.