I f*cked that dude

And that’s how I know he’s full of shit

Fact: The smooth-talking slickness of men has occasionally resulted in my pants down or my skirt up. I’m not proud of this admission. It stings a little to say out loud, particularly when you witness this type of behavior on the big screen. The grand gestures of a man who will say anything to get what he wants, targeting women who know better but ignore all of the red flags because he’s different. 

Oh, JD look at you making the panties fly. If I didn’t know your past, it might have worked on me. But women talk, JD. We have those Facebook groups where we warn each other. I’ve even thought about making Wanted posters to warn other women about men’s shenanigans. But then you remember not everyone will believe the bad true things we say about said men. And how could they after a performance like that?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

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JD’s not like all the other men who say they’re going to take away our fundamental human right of bodily autonomy. He’s so well-spoken. Access to IVF, affordable childcare, agreeing that we shouldn’t die because we can’t receive healthcare, and advocating for a prosperous future because when manufacturing comes back to the US and we deport all of the immigrants everything will be so expensive no one will be able to afford anything so we’ll be forced to drastically cut our consumption so byeeeeee climate change. He gets it. He’s a big-picture thinker, always tying everything together even when the thread is thin.

JD sees—no feels—our struggles in a way that only he can because he was… it’s so amazing… raised by… a mother. And he has women friends?!? So dreamy. Some have been forced to make difficult, life-altering decisions, which must have been so hard on him. He even married a woman who comes from a family of immigrants, which he keeps to himself out of respect for the family’s privacy, obvs. He’s surrounded by women, a feat so difficult in a world where they account for 50% of the population. 

Clearly, with his expertise in all things woman-y he must be qualified to chart a course for our future. He cares so much that he’s written it all down in a book. He’s humble about it though, so you won’t find him bragging. In fact, he distances himself because he wants other people to shine. But it’s all there, starting on page 449. Now that’s a commitment to women we don’t see from other men. Told you, he’s not like them.

But he knows he’s not perfect. He knows he’s made mistakes. He needs to regain our trust. His missteps from the past? He didn’t mean it. He’s a better man. He’ll be different this time. He promises. He’s looking at adopting a cat from Ohio and giving it to his menopausal mother. Because he cares. 

I know you’re worried, but JD is not like his friends. You know, the ones who give off hard Nazi vibes and that one who got fired because of some white nationalism stuff and oh, all the conspiracy theorists. His closest friend is a bit misunderstood, sometimes not understood at all. I mean, no one remembers what happened in 2020, am I right? 

He’s so good at making people feel seen that I bet he won over a few of those elusive undecided voters. You know, the ones waiting for a reason to feel comfortable saying out loud they are voting for Trump. That Ivy League debate charisma making them feel like they’re on the right side of history. And that fuchsia silk tie. So demure.

IDK Brittany, does it matter that nearly everything that came out of his mouth was a lie when he said it so well? JD just made us feel so good, bringing us back to a time when cool counted more than kindness. Doesn’t Tim Walz know that nice guys—the awkward ones who are nervous when they speak to us, the ones who don’t have the perfect answer every time—never get the girl? JD is so where I want us to be. So 1950s. So straight and white… picket fences.

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JD Vance knows how to get in our pants. And that’s exactly where he and the Republican party want to be to Make America Great Again.