Are we doing it all wrong?
The rad fem inside of me thinks...
I hosted a very special guest this weekend. We both were a bit surprised to be in each other’s company during this unplanned visit, as we don’t always get along. There have been tears, louder-than-usual inside voices, misunderstandings, periods of silence, and apologies. For some reason (many reasons, actually), we have refused to give up on each other. While the push and pull has felt difficult at times, it also means that we’ve had years to better understand and grow to deeply respect each other.
This weekend we settled into our imperfections over green Shakshuka (hot tip—more chard, less onion, add tomatillo salsa), the genius of Jacqueline Novak, pondering the plums in William Carlos Williams poetry, and an easy breezy morning chat about how women don’t need men anymore.
For the record, I did not instigate this conversation, but of course, I was here for it. Not because it was an opportunity to flex (hard), but because I know I play a role in shaping this new world that men are often confused and intimated by.
Many years ago, Monica, our COO at Zawadisha, said to me, “Jennifer, we must give the men something to do.” Men don’t do well with idle time. They need purpose. They enjoy the feeling of responsibility that comes along with providing for their family. We had to be careful not to completely disrupt the existing, beneficial social networks with our interventions.
Because of Zawadisha (you can think of us as the Rent-A-Center of rural Africa), women have purchasing power for the first time in their lives. They are the ones—not their husbands or grown sons—responsible for dramatic improvements in the quality of their family’s lives. Their plots of land are peppered with water tanks. Solar-powered light bulbs hang from every room in their homes. Iron sheets and gutters replace thatched roofs. They sleep on mattresses and sit on chairs, rather than resting on their dirt floors.
I'm often asked if our work creates tension among the men in the home or community. And the answer is no. There is the occasional man who will man (as they do), but by and large, our work and team are respected. We have wonderful relationships with husbands, fathers, brothers, elected leaders, business owners, and local chiefs. We’ve invested in those relationships, and yet we’ve never sacrificed our commitment to women.
It’s easy to say fuck the patriarchy. It’s quite difficult to make meaningful change. You must be thoughtful and intentional and do so in community. Monica knew that if we didn’t find ways to engage with men—hire them as our drivers, take meetings with local officials, invite husbands into our offices to learn more about our work—that we would do the women of our community a disservice. So we didn’t.
Monica’s point about the importance of engaging with men, even though the social norms and structures that dictate our daily lives in the US are different than in Kenya, is relevant in the Western world. Indeed, women do not need men anymore now that we can receive an education, work outside of the home, open bank accounts, travel freely, access IVF, start our own businesses, find fulfillment in platonic committed relationships, challenge heteronormativity, and invest in an arsenal of toys.
Men of a certain age and/or upbringing don’t know what to do with this. They do not know how to navigate a world where they are no longer centered and no longer able to act with impunity. I’m not sorry that I have helped to create this world. I don’t want all men to be afraid and paralyzed; just some of them. I also know they have the tools available to them to work through those feelings. The good ones know the future that so many of us want, the one I likely will never live to see fully realized, is better for them too. And they want to help build it. There is no reason to write men off, just as there is no reason to believe that all women will participate in this heavy lift.
I’m still working on how to bring the boys along. I know that the way that I show up in the world could make them—all of you—think that I don’t value their contributions and seek their partnership in this work. That’s not true. I simply don’t take shit or suffer fools lightly or apologize for my perspective. Imperfect approach? Yes. But I’m finding more comfort in it (read: life) not being exactly what I expect or having it all figured out. I’m trying not to hold myself to an unrealistic and unattainable level of perfection.
My current strategy is to treat people like people (which is helpful in the context of moving conversations out of the gender binary)—I don’t expect more from women, and I don’t expect less from men. Because I know I blow it all the fucking time, either because I’m nervous or tired or projecting or assuming, I try to have grace with other people. I treat profile pictures the size of my pinky nail as if they were real human beings standing in front of me. I seek to build relationships with people who are committed to social change. Those who aren’t… I don’t argue or try to prove a point because I have a limited amount of energy and space to hold. I don’t need to get hung up on what’s insignificant—and that’s truly personal, isn’t it?
When I asked V.S.G. (anonymous nicknames are a thing I do, and, yes, there is a half-finished book chapter about it that a long list of people including Kid, New Kid on the Block, Home & Garden, and Little Drummer Boy may or may not find amusing) what he thought women could do to engage men rather than alienate them, he had this to say:
“Give men a chance to defy your expectations. Try to believe that what could be taken as a micro-aggression or something creepy is simply men wanting your approval. And it could mean that they care.”
I know it’s hard for women and my gender non-conforming friends to read “give men a chance” because so many of us have done that time and time again and we have little to nothing to trauma to show of it. But when we think about the human condition in the year 2024, and how fear and uncertainty and anxiety and wanting to fit in manifests in different people, it’s not the worst thing to give them a little grace. I mean that’s what we’ve wanted all along, haven’t we? And if we can’t figure out how to not treat them the way we’ve been treated, then we’re doing it all wrong.